You’re a Doormat

This post comes from a writer who wished to stay anonymous. As we age the need for good friends does become ever more important… so what happens if you feel like you can’t find a friend?

I have always been one of those people that gets really excited to have a new friend. A large part of this is due to my own insecurities — I feel like I live with a lot of chaos. I always wonder who would want to deal with me? This isn’t a perpetual pity party I have for myself, this just is my internal dialogue. There is this notion that hangs over me that I am not good enough — not good enough to be love, not good enough to be looked after, just not good enough. Period.

It’s a constant battle I wage against myself.

Whenever I meet someone, I feel stuck in a waiting period. While I wait there, I think about what excuses they will make so they don’t have to hang out me. It has happened enough times that long time ago, I decided that after the third time I ask someone to hang out and they say “No”, I do not ask ever again.

Being “okay” with that rule has only grown every harder with age. I feel my kids watching the way I am with other adults. My neck prickles as I feel them assessing the way I stand, the way I talk, and the way I am after those adults leave. They are always watching me, I am their barometer for what is normal. I tell them what I tell myself, sometimes people just don’t want to hang out… and I am not so sure that is the right choice, however true it might be.

But wouldn’t you know it… even with my three strikes rule, I will bend over backwards to help out someone that has blown me off. I will open my house to people that never open theirs to me. I will pick up kids from school at a moment’s notice, rush people to work if they need a ride, and I will babysit dogs, birds, and cats. What do I get in return? A lot of the time I don’t get anything.

Not even friendship.

So I try desperately to not be so desperate to have a friend; to have someone I can text and they will text me right back. In my desperation, I wonder if I appear unapproachable. Am I too much resting bitch face and not enough warmth? Do I spend too much time trying to protect my soft heart that I now give off bad vibes? Are people suspicious of my kindness and think I am up to something? All I want is a friend. Isn’t that sad?

image via Unsplash | Andrew Neel

The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, organization, committee or other group or individual. This piece may not be reproduced without express permissions from ATRP.

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