This post comes from a writer who wished to stay anonymous. As we age the need for good friends does become ever more important… so what happens if you feel like you can’t find a friend?
I have always been one of those people that gets really excited to have a new friend. A large part of this is due to my own insecurities — I feel like I live with a lot of chaos. I always wonder who would want to deal with me? This isn’t a perpetual pity party I have for myself, this just is my internal dialogue. There is this notion that hangs over me that I am not good enough — not good enough to be love, not good enough to be looked after, just not good enough. Period.
It’s a constant battle I wage against myself.
Whenever I meet someone, I feel stuck in a waiting period. While I wait there, I think about what excuses they will make so they don’t have to hang out me. It has happened enough times that long time ago, I decided that after the third time I ask someone to hang out and they say “No”, I do not ask ever again.
Being “okay” with that rule has only grown every harder with age. I feel my kids watching the way I am with other adults. My neck prickles as I feel them assessing the way I stand, the way I talk, and the way I am after those adults leave. They are always watching me, I am their barometer for what is normal. I tell them what I tell myself, sometimes people just don’t want to hang out… and I am not so sure that is the right choice, however true it might be.
But wouldn’t you know it… even with my three strikes rule, I will bend over backwards to help out someone that has blown me off. I will open my house to people that never open theirs to me. I will pick up kids from school at a moment’s notice, rush people to work if they need a ride, and I will babysit dogs, birds, and cats. What do I get in return? A lot of the time I don’t get anything.
Not even friendship.
So I try desperately to not be so desperate to have a friend; to have someone I can text and they will text me right back. In my desperation, I wonder if I appear unapproachable. Am I too much resting bitch face and not enough warmth? Do I spend too much time trying to protect my soft heart that I now give off bad vibes? Are people suspicious of my kindness and think I am up to something? All I want is a friend. Isn’t that sad?
image via Unsplash | Andrew Neel
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